without further adieu

In preparation for a possible plunge into the job market once again, allow me to present to you a set of rules I have established for Recruitment Consultants and HR Managers everywhere. Some guidelines for those special little petals that preside over the unnecessarily complicated interview process.

Before I launch into them, for those of you who've never had the pleasure of dealing with recruitment consultants, let me share with you something it took me all of seven minutes to figure out when, at eighteen, I had my first interview at a temp agency. A recruitment consultant is something receptionists named Kelly-Ann become after deciding that photocopying, occasional filing and forwarding chain emails is no longer as fulfilling as it might have seemed. Sadly, receptionists like Kelly-Ann often lack the basic interpersonal and literacy skills one might expect of someone who, on the surface, looks as though they may possess some degree of intelligence.

Don't believe me? Allow me to offer evidence. First, there's this. And then...

Are you receptionist, administration, secretary, waitress,? Would you like to earn upwards of $30,000 per hour? Well have I got a job for you:

...or if you're carrently look on a job in customer service:

...or perhaps you're simply looking to dance while your career provides a catchy yet inoffensive soundtrack:

...and if none of that appeals, maybe you've just been waiting for that perfect job to walk up to you in the street and announce itself abruptly:

That's right kids, all of these very special job ads were written by the Kelly-Anns of the world. They're the ones who decide whether or not you're right for a job they aren't qualified to do, at a company whose name they can't spell.

Without further adieu, as my current manager likes to say, here are the rules:

1. Do not keep talking about how fantastic a job is after I have told you it doesn't pay enough for me to be able to eat and I have no interest in it.

2. Do not attempt to convince me that an outbound sales role would be perfect for me. It is not my fault you have positions to fill yet lack the actual skills to do so.

3. Read my resumé BEFORE you call me.

4. Use the spellcheck function once you've finished writing a job ad.

5. Do not use exclamation marks in a job ad.

6. Do not use mixed metaphors in a job ad.

7. See the shift key on your keyboard? If you hold it down, it will give you capital letters. They come at the beginning of sentences and names.

8. When writing a job ad, use question marks at the end of questions, and full stops at the end of statements, not the other way around.

9. Do not advertise a job with the headline "MONEY! MONEY! MONEY!" if the job pays AU$29k.

10. Do not comment on how much my name sounds like Byron Bay. It's not funny, cute or interesting. I could tell you how much your name (Siobhan) sounds like the noise my dog makes after she eats grass, but that would just be rude.

Comments

[Snoskred]

Ouch, I laughed so hard it hurt.. ;) I'm adding this to my weekly wrap up as post of the week...? Yes...?

:) Put me down for $30,000 an hour.. I suspect that might be some kind of sex phone worker position, after all they charge upwards of $6.95 a minute. For that kind of money I'll talk dirty, wouldn't you! :)

Snoskred
http://www.snoskred.org/

[Ian]

Don't think I'll bother going to work for a measly $30k per hour, but $60k yes please. If they are paying that for secretaries, receptionists etc, imagine what they are paying professional staff and managers.

[river]

$60k per hour against $60k per 3 years....Think I'll go read the job vacancies.....
I found your blog through Snoskred and I'm interested enough to keep reading. Hope you find a better job soon.